You Come Swimming Into View

Hi!! How are you today?

I am having a hard time this week dad, a really hard time. On Thursday it will be exactly one year from the day I last gave you a hug and kiss goodbye. I hate that I missed out on seeing you that Friday, Saturday, or Sunday morning. I remember that Thursday evening so perfectly. You had made spaghetti and I stopped in for a quick minute to grab something and say hello before heading home after work. I didn’t want to get stuck in traffic but you made me wait until the spaghetti was cooked so I could take Kel some, you took your time making that darn spaghetti too! You were doing it to irritate me but we laughed about it as usual, "come onnnnnn dad, hurry up!!! I am trying to get out of here, I want to go to the gym early tonight!!" Then you replied with, "it's almost done! I want you to take it home to Kel!" (I teased you about how you thought Kel was more important than me because you made HIM a take home dinner and not me!) An hour later you finally loaded me up a container. I still have that container, I swear I will hurt anyone who takes it...It is that container with the green top. I check the Tupperware cabinet every night after dinner to make sure that no one has touched it, I am so weird, I know. I have thought about putting it in your box that I have for you in my closet, but I thought it would be pointless to have a box inside of another box, so I am taking a risk by keeping it in the cabinet. Like I said, I dare someone to move it....

Anyway, as I was saying, this has been a rough week for me, I broke down in the kitchen on Sunday morning. I am so fortunate to have Kel there to wipe my tears, I was a mess. It started off with me not being able to sleep, so I woke up at 5:30am and went for a ten mile run, I was fine until I got in the car and one of your songs came on the ipod. I drove over to Giant to pick up some stuff to cook for breakfast and I ended up sitting in the parking lot balling my eyes out. I don't know if it was the somber and desolate early morning or what, but usually I am much better at controlling my emotions in public places. Finally I was able to compose myself enough to walk into Giant and get the groceries. I got home and started cooking and teared up because it reminded me of all the times you would cook breakfast for us on the weekends. Shaken up I went ahead and cracked the eggs for the omelets, five eggs into the cracking, I drop a full egg shell and all of its pieces into the mix. Yup, you guessed it, I lost it. After composing myself for the umpteenth time that morning I proceeded with the omelet making and poured the mixture onto the flat griddler we have. Guess what happened? The mixture egg spewed all over the sides making a huge mess and did not leave enough eggs on the griddle to make my omelets. And to top it off, you know how fussy I am about raw egg and the possibility of getting salmonella poisoning...So yup, you guessed it again, I lost it. This time I just busted out in big wet tears. The kind that smears all the makeup down your face, cute right? Kel came into the kitchen all sorts of confused, insuring me that it was no big deal, we can crack some more eggs for the omelets...Usually I would not get so upset and distraught over something as simple as this, but I guess it was the combination of missing you terribly and screwing up breakfast. FML. So that has been the start of my week big daddy, pretty pathetic on my part, huh? I know you would tell me not to cry if you were here.

What else do I have for ya today??Hmm...I miss mom and Blair a lot, they are still in Italy. I feel really alone without them here, it is a strange feeling not to have them just a phone call away. I miss texting Blair all day, every day. They come home on Thursday and I get to pick them up for the airport, I will be happy to have them home!! I went to the house yesterday for lunch to see pappy and I saw Blair had left a "to do" list for Justin taped up on her bathroom mirror. He is such a good kid, he is coming to clean the house before they get home, you know Queen Tut and Princess Pouvee won't want to lift a finger when they get home (kidding!!) (Well kinda...) I am just teasing, the real reason Blair left him a note is because his Dad is coming down on Friday to stay at the house for Rolling Thunder. I am excited, Mike is such an awesome guy, you would really like him, he is a lot like you. I am going to get too upset if I start thinking about Rolling Thunder and Harley Davidson's.... I will save those stories for another day. Gosh dad, we have so many memories and I have so many stories about you, I feel like everything I talk about, I am somehow able to tie you into it. I can't tell you how often I bring you into a conversation, it is at least a few times every day. I feel like all my friends have a good idea about how awesome you are, without ever being blessed with the opportunity to meet you. There is so much that I wish you were here for, so much...I miss you.

It is almost time for me to call it a day, dad. I am hoping to beat traffic like I did yesterday! I love and miss you more every day.

"Cause when I look to the sky

something tells me you're here with me

And you make everything alright

And when I feel like I'm lost

something tells me you're here with me

And I can always find my way when you are here"

Monday Funday

Hey there! How are you on this fine Monday? I am at the gym running, you are not gonna believe how much I weighed in at the gym yesterday, I felt a little indifferent since I'm used to weighing a measly 115 ish,  you would be thrilled to see me now though. Well without going to far into details I am no longer a set of wooden wind-chimes... I know right? I have some meat on my bones!! Not fat, just muscle, but still I actually feel really healthy for once. Thought I would let you know since you always told me that I was too skinny. But anyways....

What has been up? I have started my jam packed schedule for the summer. Kicking off the chaos was this past weekend. We cleaned the entire house from head to toe, had people over, went to M&K's pre wedding bash, and guess what I did? Went to the driving range! Woopwoop! We went with a good friend, Bill and his two boys. You and Bill would be good friends, he reminds me a lot of your group of friends. It kind of makes me sad though because whenever we all hang out I always think of how much fun it would be to have you with us.

Ugh. I am going to finish up running and head home dad, I miss you too much today. Love you

On Sunday We Had An Ostrich Filet, Yes...A Filet Of OSTERICH!

"Hey it looks like you!"
Hahaha I know that is what you would say to
Blair or I if we showed you the picture!!

Hey there! It has been a week since I last wrote to you, you know I have been doing more talking than writing to you this past week though. I think it is because the year mark is coming up and I am feeling more empty and lost than usual. They say that there are 5 stages of grief/coping with loss and those stages compile a "model" that is referred to as the Kubler-Ross Model. Below are the stages;Stage 1: Denial-Stage 2: Anger-Stage 3: Bargaining-Stage 4: Depression-Stage 5: Acceptance.

For months on end I have been trying to figure out what stage I am currently in, I don’t really fit into any of those stages, nor do I believe that I have officially experienced the feelings that I am "supposed to" feel in any of those stages. I have a weird feeling that I can't describe, yeah I am angry (not at you, but the situation) and yeah I am depressed, but mostly I just feel lost and I am in a constant search for a connection to/with you. What I mean by that is that I am always looking for ways to feel closer to you, ways to make me feel as though you are still just a phone call away. A picture, a card, letter, magazine, drawing, etc...something of yours that I have not seen or read yet, a song that you would like, a song with lyrics that remind me of you, a new song put out by one of your favorite bands. Those are the things I look for everyday. It is hard for me to explain but I can't tell you how many times I have gone into the house and just searched the basement for something of yours that no one has found yet. Or how many times I have googled your name to find something about you that I never knew. I go up into your closet, search through your coat pockets, go through your toolbox, etc...it hurts when I find nothing new, but I still continue to do it. It is really an odd feeling and something I am sure some people might find very strange, but oh well, I think it helps me somehow. One day I am waiting to find something totally awesome and new. Hint, hint-nudge, nudge (if you really want to perk up my mood, point me in the direction where I will find something of yours that I have never seen before!!)

Anyways, enough sad stuff. I know it breaks your heart to see me sad....So moving right along...A lot has been going on this past week and to be quite honest I have been pretty down and not in the mood to write. I get severe writers block when I am not in a happy mood. Today, I will try to start back up with your letters/notes because I feel bad when I go so long without writing to you.

I am trying to remember all the items I put on my mental list of things to tell you about, still have that writers block, ugh! OH! I remember now...You would be proud of my latest "accomplishments", as you know, I bought a set of golf clubs, a really nice set (they are blue like yours)! I went to the driving range on Monday and guess what!? I did not do as terrible as I thought I would, imagine that! I whiffed a few times, but whatever...I whiffed with style...:) The driving range I went to was on base at Quantico, it was pretty nice, however it was filled with gofers! Did you know that gofers actually live on golf courses? I honestly thought that only happened in the movie Caddy Shack. WRONG! I felt bad for the little guys, what if they get nailed by a golf ball going down range at 80mph? Don't even laugh (I know you are). I think I spent a good 20 minutes of my time there making sure that in case a little gofer was hit, I was able to go rescue it!

In addition to my new golfing and gofer watching hobby, I have also been trying to be more adventurous with MEAT. A new butcher shop has opened up by the house down in Stafford, it is so close we could throw a rock at it if all the trees weren’t in the way. You know men and their meat, Kel has been there a few times a week since they have opened and he has cooked some pretty choice pieces of meat. On Sunday we had an Ostrich filet, yes...a filet of OSTERICH! It was marinated for a few days in Worestshire(sp?) and onions, AMAZING! Last night we had a few people over and cooked a wide variety of meats....We had a rack of wild boar ribs, ny strip, lamb, and I had a piece of filet wrapped in apple smoked bacon. We def. got our iron  last night. It was a great dinner with great people, yum-yum! Our friend Bill came over with his two boys, they are 9 and 11 I believe. One had a huge black and blue eye and when I asked him how he got it he said, "my brother has a hard head" HAHAHAHA I totally thought of you, I can totally see you saying something along those lines.

Let's see...what else has been going on lately...I have some news that I really want to tell you, but I am going to write it in your book...I don't want to put anyone else's personal business on the internet, just in case someone stumbles across it. SO CHECK YOUR BOOK!

Well dad, I am going to get back to work, I will talk to you soon. I love and miss you.

xoxox,

Gofer Hunter & Golf Superstar 

OH P.S. Mom and Blair are leaving on their trip today. They are going to Italy!! I am super excited for them, they are going to have a great time. I just worry about them on that long flight, watch over them as they fly out there!!



What did I tell ya? Men and their meats!



Note to self: Don't sunbathe in the backyard!

Hello there, Dad! Happy Wednesday! I have been super busy at work today and am in between meetings now so I apologize in advance for my short note today. I have had a lot on my mind lately, I feel like anything and everything that is not perfect, sets me off. Not in an angry way, but I just get so upset, I hate it, I feel like an emotional mess. I don't know what it is, maybe I feel this way because it is getting close to that year mark, but whatever it may be, I wish it would go away. I don't like the feeling of being on an emotional rollercoaster. I also have been having really intense and weird dreams lately, I wonder if that has something to do with all my emotions spazing out. All of us are kind of on edge. Mom sent me an email yesterday saying how upset and emotional she is...

"I can only hold onto this time last year, this Friday coming actually; he and I kayaked and he was at peace.  He had laid back in his kayak and was floating.  IT was a beautiful day like today maybe a little warmer.  It was a feeling inside I won't forget.  Almost as if a little voice was telling me, he is gonna be ok soon."

That is what she said in her email...we may go kayaking on Friday in celebration of you and the fact that you got to kayak together before you left. I hope the weather is nice so we can go!! Well dad, I have to go to a meeting, but I wanted to leave you a quick note to let you know that I was thinking about you, as usual! Love and miss you more each day.

P.S. Blair sent me another text about you today. This one was pretty funny...She was tanning in her bikini out back....she said she stood up and her bikini top somehow unclipped and dropped to the ground, leaving her totally exposed!! She thinks it was your way of telling her to put some clothes on! HAHA

Blair has always been notorious
for exposing herself! HA just kidding :)

Another Reason Why I Hate Cats

Hi!! Happy Tuesday, hope you are having a fabulous day! I have been pretty busy today, finally! I love to be busy as you very well know. I have about an hour left here then I get to head on home to tend to the pups! They are getting so big, I wish you could of met them, they are amazing. I have never been so attached to anything in my entire life, they put me in the best mood regardless of how bad a day I may have had. However I will say they made me super mad this week-end...Let me tell you this funny story...

Early Sunday morning I was woken up by the little yippy whines/barks that they are notorious for doing after a long Saturday evening...so I rolled out of bed, slipped on my WHITE robe (note that I said white, you will understand later), walked downstairs to find two ecstatic pups, and let them out the back door. I swear I think Tootsie sensed this nasty grey street cat out in the yard all morning because as soon as I opened our sliding glass door, she hauled ass down the back deck stairs and plunged into the street after the cat. The cat took off into the middle of the street, through the grass, up on the fence, and then jumped down onto the other side of the fence. Yes, you guessed it...Tootsie followed her path, except she was unable to go up and over, so you know what she did? Squeezed her skinny hot-dog a$$ through a hole in the fence. All this happened in a matter of...I am going to estimate around 30 seconds. I was panicking and steaming mad at the whole situation. Why? (1) She knows not to go out into the street!!! (2) She has now made me chase her, in my white bathrobe all the way down the street and (3) I no longer had sight of her. So what do I do...... Stay calm and walk to the hole in the fence that she squeezed through, right? WRONG. You know what I really did? Screamed like a blubbering idiot as I ran through the wet, tall grass along the fence line trying to find her. When I say scream, I mean scream. "Tootsie, get the heck back here!!!! Where are you!!! Tootsie come here NOW!!!!" Picture this, a blonde girl in a white robe, hair a mess, make-up from the night before smeared all over my face, screaming down the street at 7 o'clock on a Sunday morning. Well....Tootsie must of sensed my extreme anger from a distance (kind of like how she sensed the cat before even seeing it) and as I am making my way towards the whole in the fence, she popped her head back through. In fact, now that I think back, I don't think she ever went all the way through the fence because she could hear me screaming "no" but anyways...As I am running to go snatch her up, I slip down the hill. Yes, I slip. Into the wet grass. In my white robe. At 7 o'clock in the morning.

Tootsie the day after the fiasco...
in the same spot I slipped.

I will leave it at that and just say that Tootsie was not happy when I finally got a hold of her. Since then, she has been let out only on a leash and under excessive supervision (protective mom instinct I suppose). FML! Looking back (I guess) it is a funny story to tell, however, I really wish someone had a video camera so I could see what I looked like running through the grass in my robe screaming obscenities and chasing after my little 14 pound wiener dog on a nice Sunday morning, not to mention Mother's Day morning. I am so classy, I know.

If nothing else, it is funny to look back on. Ahhhh! Well daddy, it is about that time, time for me to hit 95 and go on home! I am going to pick out some golf clubs tonight (yay!) and eat some wings down at Quaker Steak in Fburg. I will catch up with you later! I love you =o)

Oh P.S. Something cute/cool. Blair sent me a text a little while ago and said she was listening to a CD I made her while driving to school today and there is a song on it called, "When I look to the Sky" by Train. There is a part of the song that goes, "When I look to the sky, something tells me you're here with me, and you make everything alright"... she said she looked up while listening to it and saw a rainbow :-)

May Angels Lead You In

Hey there DAD! Sorry I  did not get to type you up the usual weekend update yet. I got pretty swamped at work and I switched hours and I was off at three today. I did listen to some music on the way home with the windows down as I hit the open road. And yes, I did say 'open road', there was NO TRAFFIC,  I repeat, NO TRAFFIC on 95 Southbound. Actually there was a little congestion, but nothing to get annoyed over, all in all a great commute for once! 


I know, I know....You are probably tired of all the lyrics I have been posting lately, but these are such great songs. They give me a good cry, but once the tears dry up I actually feel a little better. Before I share the song with you, I just remembered something... I forgot to tell you earlier the news that Gwen B's dad died a few weeks ago. I just found out. Even though we have not spoke in years, I immediately felt a connection with her. I sent her a message telling her that if she needed someone to talk to, I am here for her. She had no idea that you passed...she sent me a message back saying how sorry she was to just now hear the news and that she always thought you were really awesome. I smiled then cried after reading that, it was nice to hear but it made me miss you even more. I am supposed to clean the house...so let me stop before I get upset again. 


Here are the lyrics to a great song by Jimmy Eat World, "Here You Me"

There's no one in town I know

What would you think of me now,

May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,

May angels lead you in. 

And if you were with me tonight,

May angels lead you in.

I thought that this would be a fun picture to lighten up the mood :)

HAHAHAHA


Love and miss you more everyday dad, xoxo, Ash

Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in. 

I'd sing to you just one more time.

A song for a heart so big,

god wouldn't let it live.

Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,

now I'll never have a chance.

Hear you me my friends.

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.

so lucky, so strong, so proud?

I never said thank you for that,

now I'll never have a chance.

You gave us some place to go.

I never said thank you for that.

I thought I might get one more chance.

And I'm sure the view from heaven beats the hell out of mine here

Happy Monday Daddy! I will catch you up about the weekend later on today, I am in a music mood this morning and have been for the past couple of days. I have tried to find that perfect song and in doing so, I have stumbled across many songs that make me think of you! Music has always been one of those things that make me feel better, hopefully it can help Mom and Blair as much as it has helped me! Love & Miss you, Ash.

P.S. This is one of the bands I saw in concert during highschool, remember when I was obsessed with the band Yellowcard? It had the guy that could play the electric violin-so awesome! Anyways...here you go..

Yellowcard-View From Heaven

I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep
And fly through my dreams
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life

Late night drives, all alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines from all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singin' life just ain't fair
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here

Feel your fire,
When its cold in my heart
And things sorta start
Remindin' me of my last night with you
I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that I had gone up with you too

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here
You won't be comin' back
And I didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
I really wish I got to say goodbye

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
I hope that all is well in heaven (well in heaven)
Cuz it's all shot to hell down here (we need you)
I hope that I find you in heaven
Cuz I'm so...
Lost without you down here

You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
I really wish I got to say gooooodbye

This picture was taken shortly
after I saw them in concert!!

You Always Will

Heard this song and though of you dad!

Getting ready to head out for the day, the sun popped out, looking forward to driving home with the sunshine and windows down!Miss you! Love you!

Alter Bridge-In Loving Memory

Thanks for all you've done
I've missed you for so long
I can't believe you're gone
You still live in me
I feel you in the wind
You guide me constantly

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
And ill come home and I miss your face so
Smiling down on me
I close my eyes to see

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me

I've never knew what it was to be alone, no
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same, no
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone

And I know, you're a part of me
And it's your song that sets me free
I sing it while I feel I can't hold on
I sing tonight cause it comforts me

I'm glad he set you free from sorrow
I'll still love you more tomorrow
And you will be here with me still

And what you did you did with feeling
And You always found the meaning
And you always will
And you always will
And you always will

When in Doubt-HOLD THE SPRINKLES

Hey there! Happy Thursday and Cinco de Mayo (sp?)

I drove in this morning blasting Creed for you! I was totally jamming too, I have (and always will) love that one CD that we always used to listen to. Traffic was not too terrible this morning, since it has started getting warmer in the morning and the sun rises a little earlier, life on the road is not as bad. Gas prices on the other hand....well that is a completely different story. It cost me $47 bucks to fill up the tank this morning, remember when I first got my car? It cost me under $25. Crazy...but what can you do!

There has been a lot going on in the news the past couple of days, the most noteworthy is that WE FINALLY GOT BIN LADEN! Guess who is taking credit for it? Obama! Imagine that, right? I guess that is going to help his reelection campaign...OBAMA KILLED BIN LADEN. Hmmm...Has a nice ring to it, huh? Shoot me. I wish I was able to ask you your opinion on that whole thing...I am sure your response would provide a good laugh and some entertainment. I honestly don't know what this world is coming to, but I honestly feel that it is going to get way worse before it gets any better. I was watching the news the other day at the gym and I saw a blurb come up saying, "The United States is currently borrowing $189M an hour" How sickening is that....How pathetic is our economy that we need to BORROW that much money in an hour? Where does it all go? Who does it all go to? I would like to know.





April 30, 2011

Hi daddy!! How have you been the past few days ? I have had some pretty bad writer's block, so I apologize for the few days between posts! I am running at the gym and am in a really great mood so I decided that I would pop in and say hello!

I left off with telling you about Easter, don't think I mentioned the fact that Jeff from Bobby Mckey's spent the whole week with us? He is leaving Bobby's and moving back to his hometown in Ohio, his dad is pretty sick..:( He had a few more gigs at Bobby's and Kel and I wanted to spend some time with him before he headed out so we invited him to stay with us. Real great guy, very into politics, you would dig him! I was telling him on the way to old town yesterday how much I wish the two of you could of met. He had a lot of respect for you based off all the things I told him about you. As a matter a fact, the weekend after you passed he did a live tribute to you at Bobby McKey's without even me being there. Everyone told me how touching it was and how he mentioned that a great friend of his lost her father a few days prior, tears coming down his face, he went onto sing "wish you were here" by pink floyd. He is a good friend and quite an amazing individual.  As I said, you would like him.

Yesterday mom and I went on a date down in Old Town. We went to the Chart House and got a massage. We are so classy:))) of course we couldn't go a few minutes without pointing out something that reminded us of you....We walked down by the water and these two little kids were playing on that bob anchor and mom told me how one of the last times you were down there together you approached this woman with a child and told her, " be careful they grow up so fast! I just love little peach fuzz heads!!!" Mom said the woman was a little weary about your kindness and interest in her child but then she saw mom and then felt at ease... Well enough at ease to carry on a conversation with a complete stranger! Hahahha you always had the ability to converse with everyone, a trait most people strive to obtain at some point in their lifetime. Like I have said many times before, you are one of a kind dad, one of a kind....