Hey dad! Thinking about you, the sun just came through the window at my cubicle (did I mention that I am now at a cube with a window? Movin on up, doin' big things! LOL) Anyways, it made me think that you were smilling down on me, how lame am I to think that? If I were to say that to your face you would of laughed at me and called me goofy.
Today at lunch I worked on my book for a little bit, I am making progress. I tackled a good portion of the chapter I wanted to get done. A chapter that I have been avoiding for a while now because I didnt know how to write it. It is the chapter titled, "Losing a dad, my best friend" I wanted you to check it out, I still have some work to do on it but.....here you go....
Losing a dad, my best friend.
This is without question the hardest part of the book I will write. I do not even know where to begin with this one. First, let me start off by saying that my dad was just not like any ordinary dad, he was someone I considered to be one of my best friends. I never thought that I would lose him so soon, so suddenly, but I did. It was a matter of minutes when he slipped out of my life, never to return again. I will never forget that day, the day that I lost him.
The day before dad died he was out doing one of his favorite activities, golfing with his best friend. I am so happy that dad made it out to the green one last time with Pinky. I went through some of his stuff before the funeral and one of the places I checked was the pockets of his golf bag. I was desperate to find something that he may of touched or had some form of interaction with. You know what I found? A golf ball with green and brown scuff marks. It was one of, if not the last, ball that he hit. It is now in a box in my closet along with many other little things of his. I sometimes go into that box to look at everything, I always contemplate taking the golf ball out and taking it with me in my purse for good luck - but I am notorious for loosing things and I would be devastated if I lost it, so I keep it safe and sound in the closet.
That same day that dad went golfing, I called him and he was at the fish store and looking back it seems odd that he did both things in one day. Typically he got tired after golfing and wouldn’t want to go anywhere once he showered and got home. I called him while he was at the fish store because I wanted to tell him about how I ran out of wrapping paper when I was wrapping Kelly's big screen TV that I got him for his birthday. He answered and didn’t sound like himself, but I figured it was because he was tired from golf so I didn’t press the issue, usually I would of asked him a million times, "what's wrong, are you ok dad?!" but I let it go this time. I remember the whole conversation, verbatim.
I was laying on my bedroom floor as he told me about this $75 dollar clam that he really wanted to get for his tank but he couldn't justify spending $75 on a clam. I responded, "Dad why would you spend that much on a clam? It better be one tasty clam!" and he just laughed at me, I still can picture that goofy grin he probably had on his face as he shook his head thinking, “only my daughter would say something like that”. He told me that he was going to let me go so I could finish wrapping Kelly's gift and he could look at fish in peace (LOL) but he told me twice, "call me later tonight, ok?" then he said "I love you very much, Ash" and I responded with "I love you more, dad!!" I called him back a few times that night and he never picked up. I figured he left his cellphone downstairs on the bar by his fish tank where he always left it. I went to bed that night with no idea that I would wake up to the worst news of my life.
Blair rang my cell phone, once...twice....three times....around 10am. I finally woke up to answer the phone and I said "hey Blair what's up" and it was her, but it didn’t sound like her, she was screaming and crying into the phone. I immediately jumped out of the bed and ran down the stairs out to my car...Kelly jumped up too and started running behind me asking what's wrong? I told him to just get in the car, so he hopped in as I was in reverse. Both of us in pajamas with no shoes on, straight out of bed. I sped up I-95 and got to the house, no one was there. I ran down to the basement to check if anyone was down there and then the phone rang, it was a guy asking for Dr. Coo. I said “this is not Dr. Coo but my dad is a patient of his, is there something wrong with my dad?” The guy (who I later found out was a nurse at INOVA hospital) said he had the wrong number and couldn’t disclose any information. I told him that my dad is in the hospital and he better tell me something, he said "Ma’am, you should get to the hospital as soon as you can." I dropped the phone and it tumbled down the whole flight of stairs, I swear it felt like my heart tumbled down the stairs with the phone. I quickly grabbed a pair of flip-flops and had Kelly drive us to the hospital.
I ran into the emergency room, saw my mom and sister standing there with looks of complete devastation on their faces, tears running down their cheeks like waterfalls, I knew that it couldn’t be good news. I still was in complete shock, I didn’t know what happened and it hadn't clicked that he was not just having another low blood sugar; it didn’t click until the nurse allowed us to go see him. I peeked through the teal blue hospital curtain and saw him lying there, on the table, lifeless. I dropped to my knees and still was in complete disbelief, thinking to myself that someone was playing a bad joke on us. There was no way…. “How could this of happened?” I thought to myself.
My amazing sister was there with him the morning that he passed away. The two of them ate breakfast together and watched one of Dad’s Saturday morning fishing shows. Pap told me that Dad was in such a great mood that morning; he was singing an “I hate Obama” song that he either made up on his own or heard on Rush Limbaugh’s show. The sun was so bright that day and the weather perfect, he went out to mow the lawn while Blair got a shower. When Blair got out of the shower she went to the window and saw him face down in the driveway, immediately she ran out to see what happened, thinking he just had another low blood sugar. It kills me that my little sister had to be the witness to this. After calling 911, she performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and waited for the paramedics to get there. Immediately they took over and Blair had to wait outside of the ambulance alone. I wish that it would have been me there, I wish Blair wasn’t alone for that. I still feel guilty for not getting to the house sooner that morning. I hate myself for moving down to Stafford because it meant that I was not there that last morning to eat breakfast with him. I hate that Blair had to go through that morning on her own. I just hate that this whole thing happened. The two things that give me comfort is that dad went peacefully and he knew how much all of us loved him. All four of us told one another how much we loved each other every single day. We have a lot of great memories, we have more than most families develop over an entire lifetime and us three girls have many more to come. Of course, we will have dad with us in our hearts, every step of the way.
Now I am sure you all are wondering what happened, why did my dad pass away so suddenly, so randomly. Below is an article that I wrote to the American Diabetes Association after Dad passed away, hoping that my voice would get heard.
Article written on 10/19/2010, explaining the importance of diabetes research and prevention;
“Recently I lost the most important person in my life to diabetes, my dad and best friend. We celebrated what would have been his 55th birthday this past week-end. My dad, a Type1 diabetic for nearly 35 years, passed away unexpectedly on the morning of May 30th 2010 from a massive heart attack. This is why I care about diabetes prevention and research funding and why I am determined to put a stop to diabetes.
The majority of the population is unaware that diabetes is more than just a disease that hinders a body from producing insulin. The disease also has the ability to increase an individual’s chance of developing various other complications. Although my dad tried very hard never let his girls see the true pain he was in, we noticed; it was truly heartbreaking to witness him deteriorate at such a rapid pace. My sister, mom and I watched my dad suffer every day for the past five years with many different complications that stemmed from the diabetes. I am hoping that through my Dad’s story, diabetes awareness will be raised, so that people will be encouraged and motivated to either prevent or control the disease.
This is my story.
My sister and I grew up knowing that our dad was a diabetic. We grew up seeing his insulin, syringes, and blood glucose monitor on the kitchen counter. Every night after dinner, we would watch him give himself a shot of insulin. Diabetes was not an unknown concept to us. We knew that if he didn’t eat enough he would get a low blood sugar, or if he ate too many sweets, it wouldn’t be good for his body.
It started with dad developing peripheral neuropathy, nerve damage that causes pain, numbness and/or weakness in your feet and hands. As the neuropathy worsened, dad had a hard time feeling his feet. He would describe how it felt to walk as having two long boards instead of feet. He would trip often and had a hard time walking long distances. Despite the constant pain and inability to walk some days, he never complained.
In addition to the neuropathy, he developed retinopathy and gradually lost all vision in his left eye. He went through various retina surgeries to prevent full deterioration of the vision in his left eye, yet nothing seemed to work. Unlike most, he didn’t let that get him down either. He used to read his magazines and books with a big magnifying glass, my sister and I used to tease him about being an “old man” with his big ole’ magnifying glass. That is the kind of relationship my sister and I had with dad, always laughing and having a great time. He never failed to put a smile on our face.
Most recently dad developed gastro paresis, a type of neuropathy in which food is delayed from leaving the stomach, making it very difficult to monitor his blood glucose levels. This resulted in not eating and many low blood sugars. These are just a few of the many things that Dad experienced from being a diabetic. Complications from diabetes lead to his massive heart attack, he was only 54 years old when he died, and still full of life with many things he wanted to do. Unfortunately diabetes doesn’t care if you have big plans for the future or a family that couldn’t live without you, it’s a disease that can control your life and completely take over.
As previously stated, the majority of the population is unaware about the additional complications caused by diabetes. Which is why I think it is imperative that funding for research and prevention be granted.”
Unfortunately, I never heard back from the ADA regarding this article. However be writing it, I was provided an outlet. Ever since I lost my dad, I have found immense comfort in writing. I have two books that I have written in since he died. Pages filled with letters to him and memories so that I will never forget anything. I went through the various stages of grief and writing through each of the stages helped me to get through them.
I still have moments where I feel like my dad is only a phone call away. I would give anything to talk to him, hug him, see him again. For those of you reading who are not close with your dad, fix your relationship, a father is someone who is irreplaceable and the love that a father has for his daughter(s) is like no other love.
Excerpt from my eulogy at Dad’s funeral;
Dad was our best friend, biggest fan and most importantly our heart. The relationship Blair and I share with Dad is a special one. He has always been such an awesome person and so much fun. He could make us laugh like no one else could and was always making our friends laugh. There was just something about him that made everyone like him.
We grew up listening to Metallica, Creed, Guns and Roses, Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, you know, all the cool music! Dad would rock out in the car, singing the words (well trying to sing the words!) to every song playing on 99.1 HFS or DC101, myself in the front seat, Blair in the back… top down, music blasting…yep, you guessed it, we thought we were total bad asses. My dad left the house, we wanted to go, just so we could get in the car and blast the music. Now when mom came along, I got stuck in the back seat…which wasn’t as cool, but I still felt cooler than everyone else!
Somehow anything we did with dad made us feel that way, we shared excitement in all the things he did. When he got his Harley Davidson, I remember bragging to all my friends that my dad was a “biker”. He would ride his bike to my soccer games and I remember hearing him come up the road. I remember the butterflies I got in my stomach. In my head I would think, “yeah, that’s my dad, I know you are jealous!”
Everything we did, we wanted mom and dad to be a part of. Some of the best nights and most memorable ones are those we spent kickin’ it on the back patio with a few friends, some cold beers, and the company of mom and dad. Dad would always be the center of conversation, with an ability to socialize with anyone and just a funny personality. My friends loved him and I know that meant a lot to him.
The only thing giving us comfort at this moment is the fact that we know he will no longer suffer from the pain he fought through every single minute of every single day these past few years. He did his best to hang on for us girls, we saw him everyday fight off the pain just to be around a little while longer. He knew it was his time to go and he was taken from us in the way that he always said he wanted.
He didn’t suffer. He was outside in the warm air, the sun was shining, the grass was green and the sky was the brightest blue that Sunday morning. Like his girls, Dad loved that summer air, the sound of birds chirping and that warm feeling of sunshine. This time last year I was set on the idea of finding him and me a place on the beach so he could enjoy the ocean. Dad, I know you are enjoying the ocean. You are able to play golf without having to worry about the pain, you can ride that Harley and sit out on the beach and feel the sand beneath your toes. Yeah We know, We know, you are livin’ it up and We are totally jealous.
You know for a fact Blair and I would much rather be on the coast of somewhere beautiful than stuck here in Virginia, don’t rub it in!
But Dad, you deserve it. Live it up and save us a spot right next to ya.
